Three's a crowd, 3 is a magic number, to 3 or not to 3, that is the question.... It's something that's been playing on my mind (not my husbands please note!) a lot recently, will we or won't we have another child? Am I crazy? If you remember I wrote about how it was clear we were 'never having any more children ever again' in my blog post on going from 1 to 2 kids here and here. But as Violet has just hit the one year milestone and I hand all our baby clothes and equipment over to my sister, who's due any day now, its made me think about how I may never hold my own newborn ever again (sobs). As I packed away the baby grows (OK I did keep a few back) and Snuzpod cot it occurred to me whether I would be using them again at some point in the future. Part of my mind says, I'm too old, too tired, our relationship couldn't hack it, my patience couldn't deal with it, we would need a new car, a new house even, we couldn't afford it... a long list of negatives. But maybe I just don't feel complete yet. The nagging feeling of 'what if' is there and playing on my mind in a big way.
Yes the hideous blur and mess that is the first full on 6 months of having a baby is tough but hand on heart it goes in a flash and I feel it is worth it to have another little human being, another sibling for Finn and Violet and make our family complete. Both of us are one of three, both middle kids, it's what we know and what we grew up with. My close relationship with my sisters are my main childhood memories, we had our own girl gang and looked out for one another.
We always thought we'd have three but after a tougher than expected experience with baby one, the loss of our old lives and independence I didn't see it ever happening, how the hell did people have 2 let alone 3. But now we have 2 I can see why you'd go on to have another. I feel like I've got the whole raising a child thing a bit more sorted now. Yes there are tough school and teenage years ahead but I know what Im doing for now, in my own imperfect way. My mum always said that 9 - 12 months is the time you think you can do it again. The baby is at a cute age, still not properly on the move and it seems (a little) easier. As Violet starts to take her first steps her independence is growing and whilst I know she still needs me its changing again and I already miss those newborn snuggles and lazy days. Losing control has been one of the hardest things we've both had to endure. Being imperfect is the only way to cope, and to make peace with being unorganised and scatty again and stressed is the ongoing challenge for us. Ive learnt to take things in my stride and the kids have taught me so much about myself, I just wander what a third child could do to me, and us...it could break us or it could make us stronger. The thought of pregnancy again fills me with fear...again another negative...
Everyone says, 'you're lucky, you have a boy and a girl so you don't need to have another' but I say thats not what its about! Its about childhood, friendship, family, feeling, character, safety in numbers, challenge, little personalities, the future....
So for now that little baby grow I'm so sentimental about and kept back sits tight, as I wait to see if my maternal urge calms down, subsides and drifts... hopefully my niece to be will fill the void! And my husband can relax....for now...
x